


Have to look up to see hell

by Sasha713



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Apocalypse, F/M, Sexual Content, dark!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-11
Updated: 2011-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-20 07:59:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/210520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasha713/pseuds/Sasha713
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Sometimes putting the pieces back together is the hardest part.' Post-Apocalypse</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Darkest Place

_“Between the lines of fear and blame, you begin to wonder why you came...”_

 _-from ‘How To Save A Life’ by The Fray_

 _  
  
_

_  
Have To Look Up To See Hell   
_   


It was never really about them being heroes.

After all, no one knew the huge sacrifices that they had made over the years for the people who had called Earth home. All the people that they had once fought for had always been oblivious to what the SGC had done for them. Oblivious to the fact that their deaths were now the burdens of regret and guilt carried by the few that had survived. Especially SG-1.

Now, it didn’t matter if anyone on Earth had known what they had given up to save them, because...they had inevitably failed. Come across an enemy too adept at victory to actually pull off a last ditch effort to save the day.

The enemy had been victorious. And they had been defeated in an epic battle that had depleted every safe guard they had placed up to protect Earth in case of failure. Earth’s remaining survivors had been thrown out into the galaxy with barely the clothes on their backs.

There had always been a job to do and –inevitably, as in most human trials in myth and truth- it had turned out that the job entrusted to them had been one that they had been unworthy of. A mantel they hadn’t been good enough to carry.

Because they weren’t so special.

And with each disappointed look cast their way, they realised –maybe much too late- that in their failure, the status of their supposed hero-dom hadn’t been enough in the eyes of the others. It had faded like everything else eventually did.

The miraculous and almost fluke-esk manner which they had adopted over the years had finally been exposed for what it really was. Luck. And it had deserted them when they had needed it most.

He had always fiercely believed in the fact that they _weren’t_ special despite the pedestal they had been placed upon.

He had only hoped that their luck would be enough. Just once more. Now, hope had dissolved along with the ease and comfort they had lived in on Earth.

They’d been singled out since the first time they had managed to save the world, and he had known then that they would be looked to over and over for a rescue or an eleventh-hour plan that was more likely _not_ to work. He had also known that in being a supposed hero, he would end up being the one to blame when everything didn’t go as planned.

That was why this fall was so hard. They had been held up so high that they could no longer see the ground beneath them. The supports had slowly broken down and they had fallen from grace.

And now...they were isolated. Even from each other.

They weren’t heroes. But for a while there they had pretended that maybe they could be...

 

They’d shocked themselves more-so than others, because, truthfully, they had never expected any of their plans to actually _work_.

 _‘Just luck,’_ they’d say and it was never just modesty that made them say that, it was the truth. The failure had shocked them less than actually pulling off one of their half-thought out strategies had.

With the failure, they hadn’t disappointed themselves, they had disappointed the people who had relied on them. They had never had delusions of being heroes, but the people that dubbed them as that did.

Their colleagues had been deluded enough for them all.

They had been forced to move on. To make the colony at the Alpha Site work. A new Earth.

Jack knew better.

They would never be a new Earth. Not like they’d known it. Every luxury and piece of cutting edge technology lost in the attack that had desecrated their once proud civilisation.

Despite being the ones that people had immediately turned to for guidance, after a while, even the military personnel had defiled rank and structure, their condemning eyes burning them like consecutive staff blasts. Invisible blows that eroded their mental states swiftly.

Maybe it was their imaginations. Maybe they weren’t condemned by failure by their peers, just by their own guilt. But, it didn’t matter if the cutting looks existed, because, to them – they were very much real.

A manifestation of their own guilt over the apocalypse that had transpired on Earth.

A promised retribution by their new “gods”.

Disbanded as they were, they were no longer held together by the invisible strings of the team designation.

Slowly, half the team had faded off into the galaxy.

First Teal’c, dissolving into the event horizon to meet with his own, playing the mediator between the Jaffa and the newly evicted Earthen populace.

He rarely stepped foot amongst them now, possibly feeling the blame for what had happened to their fair world. Once, Jack had liked to think he knew what transpired beneath the layers of stoic reticence the man had perspired, but, now, he wasn’t so sure that it had ever been that easy to tell what the Jaffa had been thinking.

Maybe he’d changed too much. Maybe he had seen and had known too much and seeing them now- the world that had held so much promise gone, the remaining inhabitants thrown together like a swiftly cobbled together fruit basket too much for the proud warrior to bear. Jack could relate.

Oddly enough, Carter had been the second to leave. Or maybe it hadn’t been so odd, because, they all knew that her depression and self-blame had been the most obvious.

She had lost her will.

It had been weird how easily Mitchell had shouldered command of the Alpha site, his gradual transition from boyish subordinate to hardened leader almost imperceptible. He never smiled anymore. Never cracked wise-assed jokes. Jack couldn’t recognise him anymore. He was a stranger to him, just like every other person on this base had become.

Daniel had turned to research, his changes more subtle than that of Sam or Mitchell. Most people didn’t see his turning to his research a depressing thing. Jack knew better.  It was an almost desperate need within him to salvage something of the “before” they all dreamed of. Nothing but memories now.

Maybe something within him found it necessary to catalogue all the Earth-based historical logs he could. Jack called it a coping mechanism. In his own mind anyway, because, there wasn’t many people around this place that actually paid attention when he spoke anymore.

It felt like they cringed every time he said anything these days, as if afraid just listening to his voice would curse them. He knew that was crazy. Maybe he was a little insane.

 That was okay with him.

He felt that they appreciated it when he didn’t speak, so he hardly did these days.

The oddest thing to Jack hadn’t been Sam’s disappearance or Daniel’s degradation into the desperate man he was now, fighting to restore order in his little world.

No. What surprised Jack most was the fact that the one person who had stayed with the colony (both physically and with all her mental marbles in a semblance of order) was Vala Mal Doran.

She was probably the steadiest person among them.

Maybe it was mainly to do with the fact that she had been world-less and drifting for more years than any of them knew. Jack knew that if she wrote a book –maybe something that resembled _‘The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy’_ \- she would be in demand. Her expertise anyway.

At first, from all the stories he’d gotten about the alien woman, he’d thought that she was just waiting to steal a cargo ship with any and all valuables on base and leave them scratching their heads, but then, as the months passed, he realised that she was more attached to Daniel than any of them had known.

He’d sighted her many times hovering outside Daniel’s quarters, worried eyes darting to the locked door as if the Archaeologist would burst out at any second and yell “I’ve got it!” while brandishing a wad of crumpled papers.

She would put on a show of nonchalance in front of people, but, the ghost that Jack felt like now days caught her expressions sometimes when she didn’t realise. A vigilant spectre watching but not actually living like he should be.

He had never known that his sanity had been tied to Earth. Or to Carter. He guessed that most lessons were learnt when it was already too late to learn them. Too late to not have regrets because of them.

Jack had never thought himself nostalgic, but, as he stared mutely at the dulled red Yo-Yo that sat unused beside his sleeping pallet, he realised that he was.

Because he missed her smile.

******************************************

 _She wordlessly follows him back to his quarters, her eyes rimmed with dark circles that reveal the weariness she feels here._

 _He doesn’t say anything as she closes the door behind them, shutting them inside the silent, dimly lit room. It almost made it feel like a perfect haven._

 _Something that they had shared once before on a backwards ice planet –their minds stamped as Jonah and Thera._

 _Jack knew better. This wasn’t a haven. This was purgatory._

 _She had been okay with their supposed lot in life back then, not knowing anything better. Now, her eyes barely meet his. He wants to say something, but nothing sounds good enough in his head. So he says nothing._

 _Within moments, her whole demeanour shifts, and her eyes lock with his only after she has removed her shirt, revealing soft, pale skin to his starved eyes. There are so many scenarios in his head how this would happen, but he had never thought this would be one of them. Some room at the back of the Alpha site, Earth abandoned._

 _He watches her, knowing that this isn’t about love or freedom or desire._

 _He guesses it was more a need than anything else. A need to know that not all of their selfless sacrifices over the years had meant nothing in the wide scheme of things. A need to know that not everything they had experienced or hoped to experience was lost along with the soil they’d called home._

 _That their feelings hadn’t deserted them as well as their luck._

 _She kisses him, and he knows he can’t resist, his own demons snarling at him to take what he had once been denied by layers of rules and regulations._

 _There are no barriers now, but, he still somehow doesn’t feel free._

 _She pulls back, as if waiting for him to join this game, and he doesn’t think he is strong enough to resist the temptation of her mouth, her eyes spearing him with dark passion that is no way naive or innocent. She already knows what this is._

 _She already knows that maybe they’re not destined for anything more than a quick fuck._

 _This was not the joining he had envisioned for them, but he knows that she isn’t ready to give him more. Isn’t ready to surrender that one last thread of control and let her feelings for him rule her actions._

 _Maybe that was why they had waited so long, because all the control they had exerted over the years had to be building up to something. He would have been deluded if he had thought that all the control would fade once they could freely be together._

 _The control was even stronger now. He could see the determination in her eyes. Eyes he loved._

 _He slanted his mouth across hers, tongue demanding, his fingers curling around her bare upper arms, yanking her to his chest._

 _There was no gentle exploration._

 _She reaches for his belt buckle, tackling the obstacle, her hand skimming over his swollen cock. Her actions spoke clearly. She wanted this to be quick._

 _Painless._

 _Like the metaphorical band-aid that had been due to be ripped off years earlier._

 _He doesn’t let himself hesitate, forcing his thoughts onto getting her naked and below him, his eyes squeezing shut as he kisses her, allowing her to handle his aroused flesh, willing himself not to regret this. A slight acknowledgement enters his mind._

 _This wasn’t supposed to happen like this._

 _Maybe there is a part of him that wants to get this over with as much as she does._

 _They end up a tangle of limbs on the small bed, his lips trailing across her jaw and down to her breasts, sucking her tight nipple into his mouth, the taste of her –finally- on his tongue. A groan vibrates his chest as he pushes two fingers between her thighs, into the warmth her trembling body provides._

 _He feels the moment she breaks, her body shaking, inner walls gripping his fingers as her orgasm overwhelms her. She looks up at him with suddenly shocked eyes. He’s not sure whether to take her shock as an insult or not._

 _It was almost as if she hadn’t expected to be granted climax. That this would be nothing but a fuck with minimal pleasure._

 _He suddenly wanted to prolong this moment, maybe to get back at her for making this nothing more than bodies fighting for dominance._

 _He pulls his fingers from her moist flesh, feeling her body’s release sticking to the digits. He doesn’t expect the sudden animalistic light that enters her eyes, unprepared for her move that lands him on his back on the bed, her straddling his hips._

 _The look in her eyes wasn’t satisfaction due to her orgasm, it was a fierce expression. She was angry._

 _It was like she was trying to salvage and protect her dignity by winning back the control of the situation._

 _Her orgasm hadn’t been part of the plan._

 _She grips him in her hand, guiding the head of his cock to her opening, slipping down over him in one swift move that makes her hiss out a slightly distressed gasp._

 _She was punishing herself. For wanting this. For needing this. For letting something slip through her carefully built defences._

 _His hands brace her above him, fingers digging into her hips, his eyes focused on every line of her body as if this very image could change the harsh way she rode him. Maybe picture they were someplace else._

 _There was no finesse. No careful touches. It was what it was._

 _He wants to slow down, but she doesn’t let him, her hips circling and pressing down on his cock, aching now from the sweet friction of her body. And he came. Just like she wanted him to._

 _He thinks she is glad she doesn’t come from this._

 _His chest aches._

 _Afterwards, she gets up wordlessly, pulling her clothes back together and avoiding his eyes. He sits up, trying to think of the words that would keep her here with him._

 _He says nothing._

 _Instead, he lets her go –the red yo-yo she places beside his bed like a slap._

 _She leaves, and all he can do is stare at the payment she left behind..._

 _********************************************_

He hadn’t been game to touch the symbolic object. It still sat where she had placed it. She had been saying goodbye to him and the memories of the freedom they had _never_ truly had on Earth.

Closure.

Because maybe he was just another reminder of what she considered her failure.

He had been wrong. It hadn’t been need that had made her come to his room that night. Just a silent goodbye. She’d planned to leave all along.

His heart was broken. She had broken it in the clinical way she had used him, leaving him afterwards like he was expendable in her irrational little world.

Maybe she’d done it, wiped him off, so he wouldn’t follow her when the time came.

No one knew where she had gone. A Cargo ship Teal’c had procured for them had sat outside, then, one morning -soon after their encounter – it had disappeared.

Along with one Samantha Carter...


	2. 2

He wondered what had pushed her to do it. Had gone over every stilted conversation they’d had since earth had been decimated. Nothing gave him the insight he required, but then, he had looked within the carefully locked doors of his mind and found the answers.

It was unbearable for her to be here and witness the last threads of humanity from Earth gathered at the Alpha site, starved and missing home because _they_ had failed.

Maybe she had gotten sick of everyone looking at her like she had all the answers. Like, at any moment, she would come up with some miraculous plan to restore Earth to its former glory.

If that was why she left, he could probably understand.

Jack himself had faded. No one looked at him for command anymore. Maybe it was his reticence that made people reluctant to follow his lead. As if he was too insane to make decisions in their best interests.

Their eyes drilled holes through him and zeroed in on Mitchell as if he was merely a transparent apparition. That was okay with him.

He had always hated being _’The Man’_ anyway.

Mitchell hadn’t really been a part of SG1 long enough to feel the pressure of the blame.

There had been something different about the early SG1. The eight years prior to Mitchell’s command bonding them more than any designation tag could.

They knew each other. Maybe that was the reason for this divergence.

Jack had always thought that he would have been the one responsible for the end of the world because of the way he had always antagonised the enemy.

He had been at the SGC to discuss the Ori problem when they had dropped out of hyperspace and started shooting and beaming in troops. He remembered Carter as she had tried to make the planet-wide disappearing act work. She hadn’t had enough time.

He had nothing to blame himself for. The only thing that he could count as a mistake on his part was the fact that he had put so much pressure on the team to beat all the odds. Had put pressure on Carter.

He had no right to question why she had cracked up so beautifully. Like a puzzle falling to the ground, the pieces scattering. She had folded in on herself even before she’d hijacked the cargo ship. He had known it. But he had stood by and watched the decay of her mental state. He had no excuse why he hadn’t tried to help. Maybe his own demons had blinded him to her need. All he really knew, was that when he looked back, he could clearly see the degradation occurring. Hindsight was a bitch.

Now, Daniel was off in his own little safe place, Teal’c was with his family, and Carter...well she was off in the cosmos evading her demons.

Jack, however, hadn’t dug himself a category to sulk in yet. Instead, he had faded into the walls, hearing all but never actually contributing.

He guessed that was in essence its own category. He was the ghost.

The only one who saw him was Vala, and maybe that was what was so amazing. That the one actually paying attention was an alien woman who could be more devious than any Goa’uld had ever been.

They were all aliens now.

*************************************************

 _“Daniel sometimes mutters about a hero.” Vala says, not looking at him, leaning casually beside the door as he sits staring at the yo-yo, his mind commanding him to pick it up and feel its weight. He might just miss her enough to touch it. Hold it._

 _He doesn’t, clenching his fingers around nothing._

 _“What is a hero?” he asks, his voice barely carrying over the distance between them. He glances at her, seeing that she is assessing one of her manicured nails avidly._

 _“You apparently.” She says, her eyes meeting his across the space. There is too much knowledge underneath her flippant attitude, and Jack faintly wonders if she was always so calm like this, or if that trait had come after she had recovered her body from the Goa’uld riding her._

 _He doesn’t say anything, once again looking fiercely at the yo-yo, hoping he wouldn’t have to spell out the fact that he was in no mood to converse with her any longer._

 _“You’re wasting your time here, General.” She says, uncaring of the surly mood he was clearly in. “I honestly think that Sam had the right idea. It’s so depressing on this base.”_

 _“The right idea.” He murmurs with a huff of humourless laugh. “Going insane and stealing a Cargo ship. I expected that to be your escape.”_

 _It’s the most he has spoken in days, and he catches the wry smile that edges onto her lips._

 _“That idea had crossed my mind. And about Sam being crazy? ... Well, I figure you have to be a little wonko to be a genius. Just take a look at my poor Daniel.” She pushes off the wall and saunters to the other side of the door frame, leaning there. He thinks it must be a better vantage point._

 _“Genius, is he?” Jack asks the woman, wondering when the hell Daniel had become_ ‘hers’ _._

 _“Well, a reclusive shut-in at the very least. He has his moments of intelligent speech.” She defends, and Jack realises that he is glad the woman is taking care of Daniel. No one else would bring him food or make him sleep. If not for her, he would have succumbed to a coffee overdose long before this moment._

 _“Intelligently_ inaudible _speech.” Jack replies, leaning back on the very bunk he had shared with Carter a few nights earlier. His depression intensifies, but he shuts off the valve, trying to numb his emotions. He would not miss her. He wouldn’t._

 _“Daniel’s genius is_ within _his insanity. Where is yours General? In the field. You’re hibernating on this base.”_

 _“And you?” he asks after a moment, not getting annoyed that she wasn’t leaving him alone. Maybe he is ready to hear her words._

 _“I’m protecting Daniel from himself of course. He needs someone here for him. The others would just let him rot in that room. You’re not exactly the type to...”_

 _“Hover?” he cuts in, looking at her again. “Didn’t think you were the type either.”_

 _She sighs and rolls her eyes as if that was the stupidest thing anyone has ever said. Like she expected him to understand the point she was trying to make in this little conversation without actually_ saying _it out loud._

 _“Sometimes great change comes when the one you love needs you most. You’ll go to the ends of the galaxy to stand by them in whatever quest they have undertaken – even the ones that aren’t so obvious or meaningful to you.”_

 _Her message is clear now. She has reason to be here. Daniel is here. What was his reason for staying? Sam was gone._

 _“Daniel is here. My place is here. Tell me, General, what is keeping you here?” She asks the question he has been asking himself for a while. He never did get an answer in his mind. No matter how many times he had made the inner query._

 _Maybe it_ was _time to leave. Seek out a quest – Sam’s quest._

 _*******************************_

He’d convinced himself that he would be able to leave like Sam had. Stealthy. Silent. Without witness. But then Daniel was standing there, his eyes rimmed with dark circles from lack of sleep, hair longer and unkempt, his clothes loose on his thin body.

His eyes are decidedly clear though, the blue pinning him from behind his glasses. He guessed Vala must have told the man of his plans to leave. Well, what she guessed his plan was anyway. He hadn’t really vocalised his imminent departure.

But then, there was a knowledge in Daniel’s eyes that said that maybe he’d been waiting for this moment to come since Sam had left.

Jack realised then that maybe Sam’s disappearance hadn’t been so unexpected and unnoticed after all. He could imagine Daniel doing the same for her. Standing here, watching her departure with the same calm expression on his face.

Because they really do know each other, despite the isolation from each other now. Each drawn into the depths of their own minds to battle their own demons.

Earth was gone. It was time to move on. Daniel knew that too – he was just incapable of that. Maybe he needed more time. Maybe he would never be ready.

It was almost like he needed the condemning looks. Like the reminder was necessary. Like he couldn’t find it within himself to forget what had transpired on Earth, but at the same time he wanted to forget the part he had played in the defeat of the once proud planet.

That was the only reason Jack could think of to explain why Daniel hadn’t faded off into the galaxy like Carter and Teal’c had. It was almost as if he could only live with himself if he was faced with the memories each day. Like he couldn’t bear the thought or the risk of forgetting. Even for one instant.

Jack had been doing the same thing since Sam had left. Now it was time to leave his demon of guilt behind and seek out a new way of living in this harsh galaxy they called home.

So here they stood, wordless, both portraying depth within their eyes, knowing that words weren’t always necessary. He couldn’t think of anything profound to say, so he went back to gathering his meagre possessions, his eyes drifting now and then to the yo-yo that still sat untouched.

Daniel didn’t say anything until after Jack placed the bag over his shoulder, and that was when Jack noticed the A5 notebook hugged to his chest. He vaguely remembered that Sam had one similar. Daniel hesitated, then handed him the book, the pages obviously full of something that may have been important _before._

Jack caught his eyes, questioning the offering.

“For Sam.” Daniel murmured, as if he was certain Jack would find her and return the book that had once belonged to her. Maybe to show her that she hadn’t always failed. There was a lot of space. He wasn’t so sure he had the same positive outlook.

Jack looked down at the book in his hand, feeling the warn cover against his fingers. He looked up at Daniel, then held it back out to him.

“You keep it. Then you can return it to her yourself.” Daniel must have seen some of the pain in his eyes, because he hesitated, then took the book back, his eyes almost thankful that he wasn’t parted from the book just yet.

He must need it. Jack didn’t think too much on that. He couldn’t.

So he stepped through the Stargate, wearing civilian clothes because, Ne’tu knows, being associated with the defeated Taur’i wouldn’t do him any favours. Not anymore.


	3. 3

He wasn’t sure what to expect when he finds her. Weapons-smuggler Carter, Bandit-Carter, Imprisoned-Carter....Dead-Carter.

He sure as hell never expected what he does find.

He finds her in one of the most unlikely places.

Passed out on a seedy table in some dank hole that would be considered a bar. At first, when his contact (more Vala’s than his) told him she had been spotted here drunk, he hadn’t believed it. Now he did.

He does find her where she was reported to be, sprawled limply over a table in the back of the place, her fingers curved yet relaxed around a mug of something that was probably not all that drinkable.

He knew that this version of Carter is a stranger to the one that had survived Earth’s defeat the better part of two years ago.

For a moment, he was almost certain he’d stepped through a Quantum Mirror somewhere along the way.

Her hair was longer, braided behind her ears to keep the strands out of her thin face, the rest trailing across her shoulder in dirty blonde locks.

Still, strands have escaped and hang over her forehead.

She wore a faded black jacket that was done up to hide whatever she wore beneath, -probably an arsenal of weaponry- and fingerless gloves covering her hands. Her pants are patched brown leather that probably used to belong on some shifty merchant from a backwater Casa plantation.

He approached and sat slowly, unable to take his eyes off her face. The face that he had missed more than he had thought. That fact was more clear now that he was looking at her.

He reached over, unable to stop himself, intent on touching her hair. Before he could even come close though, a crude blaster was jammed against his temple, the distinct sound of it powering up loud in his ear.

Blood-shot blue eyes see through him, and it took a moment for her to recognise him. Even then he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t pull that trigger and blow his head off. She finally deactivates the weapon, lowering it to the table, looking across at him blearily but with a sudden sharp awareness.

She was obviously drunk and yet the steadiness with which she’d held that gun put to shame some sober marksmen. He guessed that out here, in the wilds of the Milky Way, she had the practise.

Her eyes turned haunted as she looked at him, Earth’s destruction almost seeming to play out like a film in the clear parts of her gaze before anger replaced it and a self-loathing that he could recognise.

He got the distinct impression in that moment between moments that she would like nothing more than to reactivate her weapon.

“Jack O’Neill. What a surprise.” She said, and his mind almost shuts down. The way she spoke his name is like nothing he has ever heard from her. It was like he was nothing but an old acquaintance and this was just a chance meeting in the street. The level of dislike dripping from her voice from some wrong that had torn them apart and made them strangers.

He couldn’t bring himself to act the same as she was.

“What are you doing Carter?” he asked, sitting up a little and leaning against the backrest of the chair.

“Making merry with the galaxy. And you?” she asked, her eyes averting from his, her focus now on the nice looking weapon she had probably stolen or won. Or maybe she had killed someone to obtain it.

“I can see that. Can’t really make merry unless you’re trashed huh?” he returned sarcastically.

“Yes well, you learn quickly how to fit in.”

“You’re killing yourself here.” He replied, his voice lowered, narrowing his eyes on her.

“Not anything you haven’t tried to do yourself.” She responded a little resentfully, taking a swig of her drink as if she was proving his words meant nothing to her.

“You’re better than that.” He hadn’t meant to say it, but he knew that once it was out, he meant it. He hadn’t been better than that. He’d had nothing to contribute when he had gone on that suicide mission that first time through the ‘gate.

She was special. Always had been. An _interplanetary_ treasure. And she was slowly killing herself in the back of the worst bar he had ever seen. Such a cliché.

She slammed the drink down on the table angrily, amber liquid sloshing over the sides and onto the scarred wood.

“Oh that’s right. I’m _Carter_. Fix anything. Better at everything. What makes you think you’re the only one that can...”

“Attempt suicide?” he interrupted abruptly, and her mouth snapped closed, her eyes moodily downcast on the table, her jaw working as if she wants to hit him or shoot him.

She looked up at him then, assessing him with a dark understanding. She shook her head and stood, holstering the gun on her leather-clad thigh, lifting a worn leather backpack over one shoulder from the floor.

“Go back to Alpha _General_. I don’t need your leadership.” She walked out, and if it had been easier to find her, he would have let her go.

But he can’t. The amount of time it had taken to track her down wearing on his patience. It was non-existent now because he had been chasing her. Maybe that was just what he would always do. Chase her.

Whether she liked it or not, they were strung together. Pawns in some higher destiny that he had never tried to understand.

He caught up to her outside the noisy bar, the cool breeze cutting through his jacket almost reminding him of home. It whipped at her hair, already in disarray, and he watched the longer strands dance around her shoulders as she took long strides away from him. Running again.

“It wasn’t your fault Carter.” He called after her, watching as the speed of her steps increased. She turned, walking backwards, her eyes wild and spearing into him.

“There is no Earth anymore. No bond between any of us. I wasn’t going to rot at the Alpha site with all the looks...” She trailed off, making an annoyed sound in the back of her throat as if she was angry with herself for bothering to explain.

“I thought they were looking too... _But they never were_. It’s your own self-reproach Sam!” He knew reaching her right now was going to be impossible, and with her drunken state, she was more likely to hit him, not listen to him.

She spun back around, swaying slightly before she started moving away from him again.

“Leaving was my best option.” She threw over her shoulder. He moved up swiftly towards her and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him.

“Running away.” He accused, meeting her tormented eyes. She swung, her fist hitting his jaw squarely. He fell backwards, finding his balance, his eyes pinning on hers fiercely.

“Screw you.” She spat darkly, her eyes volatile. Changing tactics seemed to be his only option. He wasn’t going to get to her like that, especially if he kept having to chase her down to get his point out. He would forgive her for the blow. Maybe he had deserved it for underestimating the woman she had become. No matter how pissed she had been at him in the past, the respect she had for him as a superior had quelled her desire to strike him. Now, that wasn’t the case.

“I didn’t come here to talk about the past Carter.” He said, one last ditch attempt to reach the rational person beneath the unyielding drunk. She froze, her retreat stilted. She didn’t move. Not one muscle. Her hair still kicked back by the breeze. Her whole body was tense, as if waiting for someone to attack her.

She turned, her eyes blanked. Lost was the anger of a moment before. Now all he could see was resignation.

“What did you come for?” she asked, and he stares in horror as he witnesses a truth come to her eyes that he had only ever seen on victims of sexual abuse. He realised in that moment that this wasn’t the first time a man had said those words to her in the last eight months she had been alone out here. _‘I didn’t come here to talk.’_

His jaw hurt from clenching it. He ached to ask her the question that sat on his tongue. What had this galaxy done to her and who did he have to kill?

This galaxy had really done a number on her and he wasn’t sure he could accept this person standing like a blank slate before him. He wasn’t sure he liked this woman at all.

But then, he knew this was nothing more than a facade to protect herself. Close herself off from feeling the injustice. For feeling the guilt. He guessed that alcohol helped.

“I was hoping...” he stopped himself. He couldn’t finish the sentence. He was hoping that they could have something of what they’d had before.

“To what? Pick up where we _never_ left off? Or just to screw me again to see if you missed out on something all these years?”

He felt anger spike in his chest, the surge unfamiliar after all this numbness.

He revelled in it. It makes him feel almost alive, and after all this time feeling like a ghost, it’s almost like a revival.

He grabbed her by the upper arms before she could retreat again, shoving her hard into the brick-like wall of the building they were outside of. He got into her face, her fighting him the whole time. She would find no mercy from him now.

“You want me to leave you alone out here in this hell hole, then fine. I’ll go. I didn’t come after you to argue or to _screw_ you. I came to find you because, oddly enough, my life means nothing without you in it!”

He pushed her harder against the wall before releasing her and stepping back, taking his hands off her. She was breathing hard, staring at him as if finally awaking from a nightmare that hadn’t let her free until now.

He could relate. These last few years have been like that.

“You’re not here to force me back?” she asked after a long drawn out moment.

“To what? There is nothing for either of us there.”

She must be able to see his own need for freedom from Alpha in his eyes, and maybe a little of his own self-reproach, because she leaned back against the wall as if relieved, allowing her inebriation to show once more.

“Have you got a ship? The cargo ship?” he asked. She eyed him suspiciously before her expression cleared, and he was glad that maybe she realised that he was still the same man that she had once trusted with her very survival. Maybe the Carter he had always known was underneath this facade somewhere after all.

He doesn’t get annoyed over her suspicion. He guessed that she’d had people asking about her ship before with no good experience coming from it, but then, this is him and he knows she understands that there is safety in having someone to trust out here.

“Yes. Home sweet home.”

They both eye a group of rough looking patrons of the bar that pass by the alley he had backed her into, both knowing that this place wasn’t somewhere anyone should linger.

“Maybe we should...” he doesn’t finish the sentence. He knew that he didn’t have to. She nodded, one hand slipping to the gun strapped to her thigh, eying the ruffians sharply, seemingly ready and _willing_ for some action.

But the group trailed past the entrance to the alley, not noticing the two figures that stand at either side, a vast space between them that wasn’t just physical.

They were alone again.

She doesn’t wait for more questions, more words that would hang between them, instead, she lurched into motion, turning on scuffed combat boots down the alley.

“This way.” She actually slurs. He doesn’t dare touch her arm as she passes in case her reflexes react and he gets a new hole somewhere undesirable. She still has her hand on her weapon and with her touchiness, he guessed that he needed to be wary. At least until they got to the relative safety of her ship.

She led him down three separate streets, and, just when he was sure she was lost, she motioned to a ladder leading up to one of the low rooftops. He preceded her up and she appeared at his side moments later, holding some sort of remote control device.

A ship shimmers into existence before them, a little banged up but obviously working quite fine. It would be a bitch to get parts for this these days.

She opens the door and steps inside, and he finds himself hesitating momentarily before following her.

What greets him is a ship made to be a home away from home. A personal nest that symbolised not the Carter he had known but a rebellious version of her that is clearly more Space Pirate that Lt. Colonel.

The forward compartment had a bunk of sorts on the floor in the back corner, a few meagre belongings beside it. She tossed her backpack there and went across to the controls, sitting down and powering the ship up, the door closing behind him with a sort of grinding snap, sounding way too loud in his ears. It feels more like they are alone like this. Locked in together.

 He wondered if she noticed the subtle difference.

But then he looks at her back. The tensing of her shoulders, the tightening of her fingers that flex on the controls. Some things will probably never change. Because he knew that he would always be able to count on the fact that she would always notice shifts in her surroundings. Even drunk.

That was just Carter, and her predictable reaction to their situation relieved him. He’d never thought he would recognise anything familiar about her again.

There was so much between them now. So much that had remained unsaid despite all that had happened since Earth had been destroyed.

They weren’t going to be interrupted.

He guessed that was the reason why she so steadily and determinedly kept her eyes beyond the windows before her.

“Nice digs.” He said, trying to distract himself from the depths of his own thoughts. “So...what?...You fly around the galaxy in a Goa’uld cargo ship looking for what? Bars? An inter _planetary_ bar hop?”

She ignored him, her eyes narrowing on the front window.

“What are you looking for?” he asked, removing all the sarcasm out of his voice. He moved to the co-pilot chair and sat. He doesn’t expect her to answer, and, she doesn’t until they are clear of the planet’s atmosphere and cloaked.

“Vindication. Retribution. Suicide missions. Pick one.”

There was enough of his own sarcasm laced with her words that he disturbingly found comfort, and he almost smiled as he got more comfortable being the passenger in her ship. Her life.

“So where are we going?” he asked, both curious about what she had been doing for the last few months and determined to know the details of their destination. He couldn’t give up that much control on the first day. He was letting her drive. That was enough for now.

He hated to fly blind, but it seemed that she didn’t mind so much. She blinked, as if trying to focus on flying the ship and answering him at the same time.

“I have a...business meeting...in two days in the next star system.” She explains.

“And what is _business_?” he knew he was pushing, but he really felt he needed to know what was in store for him in the next star system.

She looked like she was debating internally whether or not to tell him anything more. She conceded, shooting him a cursory glance that in no way said she was glad he had come.

“I acquire certain _artefacts_...and am paid to deliver.” She said after a moment, and he got a foreboding feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe she really was a damn space pirate.

He decided not to question that, wondering instead what exactly she had gotten herself into.

Even drunk, she controlled the ship beautifully and without issue and he found himself wondering if she was ever sober behind the “wheel”.

“So, drink driving Carter? Lucky this place is devoid of highway patrol huh?” he quips, trying to quell the voice in his head that demanded he reprimand a subordinate for reckless behaviour. This was a galaxy of their making. As much as he hated it, she was in control here. He was just a visitor to this life she’d made.

She didn’t look at him but he sees, or hopes he isn’t imagining, a quirk to her lips. He knew that a smile would be too much to hope for, so he accepts the small slip on her part. Her smile wouldn’t come easily.

She doesn’t say anything more about her new job, using his change of subject as deflection. He suspected that she didn’t need a change of subject.

There is no chain of command anymore. She didn’t answer to him. She probably figured she owed him no explanation and that more than anything else told him that the way things once were wasn’t going to make a comeback.

No rank. No real honest ‘Sirs’, and despite all the limitations that had caused between them, he felt like he missed that because, for the better part of ten years, that had been how they managed.

That had been their familiarity.

Now, all that they knew –all that had defined them- was gone. Their barriers along with it all. Surprisingly, that didn’t make them any more free.

No. Instead it had torn them further apart than they had ever been under the heavy veil of regulations.

Now he was just a guest in her home. In her life. He wasn’t sure how long he could remain with her before he out stayed his welcome.

 He hated to think that they were reduced to this.

The silence continued, and he caught himself searching in his mind for something to say that wasn’t about her abrupt departure from Alpha or the broken world they’d been forced to leave behind.

She seemed to be calmly ignoring him and if it had been anyone else, he would have been thankful for the lack of mundane conversation. But he wasn’t.

She didn’t ask about Daniel. Or Mitchell. Or Teal’c. He wondered if she even cared or wanted to know any of them at all.

He’d never known her to be that close to Vala, but hey, she’d managed to get contacts for this business of hers exceedingly fast, and Vala _was_ like a galactic phone book with all the unscrupulous people she knew.

He was starting to think that everyone had known of her plans except him. Like he’d been too focused on being a ghost to notice as much as he’d thought he had noticed.

Carter seemed well on her way to becoming a drunken, blonde version of the woman now coddling Daniel like a sick puppy. The universe was after all made up of a series of balances.

Vala converts, and Sam goes dark side.

With her knowledge of technology and her military skills, she was in her self a perfect candidate for galactic thievery. She would be capable of breaking into any facility undetected and could then break _out_ of any place with stealth and cunning.

Even drunk.

“So this artefact...” he began, his half question interrupted.

“Less you know the better.” She replied, cutting him off.

“This business....legit?” he tried again, meeting her glare without flinching. Not that he wasn’t compelled – her eyes were like ice shards. He got the sudden idea that she would have made a perfect leader one day. Could have maybe even commanded her own ship if Earth and their military hadn’t been practically all wiped out.

No soft edges to this Carter.

“That’s not really what you want to know.” _‘So why not ask me what you_ really _want to know’_ She didn’t need to say it.

He noticed then that she refrained from calling him anything. General. Sir. Jack. O’Neill... Old friend.

He was starting to think that it was just another barrier that she was erecting. A reaction to his appearance in her life without warning.

“No?” he asked, raising a brow even though she didn’t look at him.

“No.” She concentrates almost fiercely on the controls even though he knew from experience at the helm of these ships that you don’t need to be completely focused to fly the damn thing if there were no obstacles.

“Then what?” His voice softens, wondering if adopting a gentler tone would help her to tell him what she obviously wanted to.

She didn’t bother answering, she just plotted a new planet into the navigation system, and they were flung into hyperspace.

Silence reigned between them, the only distraction from the tension in the air the flashing blue of hyperspace that was filtered through to them.

“You didn’t ask me about the others.” He said after a moment, breaking the silence with what he considered a safe topic of conversation.

“You didn’t offer anything, so I figured that there isn’t any bad news.” She responded crisply, her tone almost uncaring. He guessed she was right anyway. He takes her words as invitation to offer information.

“Teal’c is settled with Ish’ta and the other Jaffa. Mitchell is making the best of Alpha. Vala is playing mother to Daniel.” He trailed off, wondering if this new Carter even gave a crap about the goings on of her past friends.

“Is that why you left? Because everyone had someone?” she asked, taking him completely off guard. She did look at him then, and maybe it’s just the alcohol, but her expression was suddenly open.

“I had someone there too. I just...had to leave.” It was almost an apology, but he wasn’t sure what he could say to that or how she was expecting him to react.

He didn’t have to think on it for long though, because the moment passed too quickly for any reaction to formulate, and her openness dissolved into that fierce concentration once more.

“Maintenance must be a bitch.” He said, motioning to the controls.

She took the out, the change of subject that he offered.

“I’ve completed the loop of congarat again. I won credits with a few planets and a few jobs here and there. Getting parts for the necessary repairs is easy.” She explained and he could almost hear the old carter in her words.

“You raced in this?” he asked, incredulous. It seemed pretty out of shape from where he was sitting.

“No. I borrowed Warrick’s old ship. He helped me update the systems to give it a chance.” He thought he saw a glimmer in her eyes. _Danger junkie_.

He found comfort in the fact that she hasn’t always been completely alone out here. She obviously has her own galactic phone book. She doesn’t need Vala’s.

Maybe sobering her up and putting her on the wagon was the quest Vala had predicted.

Or maybe it was just a quest to find their niche in this ever changing galaxy...


	4. Chapter 4

Sam landed the scout ship in a clearing surrounded by thick trees. She was confident enough in her actions that he knew she must have used this stopping point before. She keeps the ship cloaked anyway, and he considered it an extra precaution.

He wondered faintly how she had managed to keep the ship for so long without it getting stolen or shot out of the sky. He knew now that it was her cautious nature that had insured her safety.

“There’s a Stargate about a mile from here. This planet is mostly uninhabited so the ‘gate doesn’t get used regularly.” She explains as she slides out of the control chair and moves across the room to her make-shift bedding and belongings.

“So what? You park your ship here and gate to business meetings?” he asked, hearing the condescension in his own voice. He had never been able to kick the sarcasm.

“The less people who know I have a ship the better. I gate in, gate out.”

“Except when you’re bar hoping.” He observed with an arched brow. She ignored him.

“Sometimes the easiest way to get out of a situation is to use the gate system. Easier to lose bounty hunters.”

“Sounds simple in theory.” He agreed. He had to give her credit. She always had been able to see the most logical method of escape.

“Yes well, you always did like simple.” She murmured, almost to herself, as if she had talked to him about her plans before now. Maybe she had gone a little nutty with all this alone time.

She pulls a canteen out of her backpack, and he watches as she takes a healthy swig of the contents, her nose crinkling telling him that it’s definitely not water. He shouldn’t have been surprised.

“We were so naive...about the galaxy.” She said after a moment, not even looking at him, keeping her eyes downcast before taking another sip. “They never needed our help. None of them. The people we met –they all had something to gain from allowing us to play heroes. We shouldn’t have even bothered.”

It was such a depressing remark, laced with bitterness. Resentment. Anger. Feelings that would only eat you alive if you let them. He knew that. He had experienced that. But experiencing something did not make him an expert on beating it. Watching someone he cared about doing the same thing that he had once done himself was something he had never wanted to see. He was no expert, because he sat there unsure how to change or help her defeat her demons.

Instead of replying, he pulled a power bar out of his jacket pocket, holding it up until she looked, then throwing it across to her. She caught it out of reflex, looking at it as if it was the mother-load of advanced technology.

“Do you really believe that?” he asked, thinking that she was probably right. He wasn’t going to vocalise that though. Wasn’t going to feed her bitterness.

“The galaxy is a much better place without the Goa’uld. Sure. But we didn’t realise that when one group of bad guys is neutralised, there is always more to take their place. The Ori. The Lucian Alliance. New threats are always harder to predict than the old ones.”

She opened the power bar and took a bite before wrapping it up carefully and placing it in the backpack. She took another drink out of the bottle in her hand, and Jack gritted his teeth against saying what he wanted to say. _‘So this is your coping mechanism?’_

He wanted to call her on it, but he knew that would only get him kicked off this ship quicker. He couldn’t let that happen yet.

“So this business transaction. Anything I need to know before we go in.” He wasn’t ever one to assume involvement, but he was assuming it now.

“No. Because you aren’t going in. The way you run your mouth off will do more damage than good.” She responded almost immediately, as if she had rehearsed the answer to that inevitable question. As if she was still waiting for him to try to control things. Be the one in charge and making all the decisions.

“Then what? You going to tell me to mind the ship?” he asked, his comment orchestrated to piss her off.

“No. You’re coming. Just not into the meeting.” She replied with much more calm than he had thought she possessed.

“Why not?” he pushed.

“Because Lakis won’t do business with me if there is someone else present.” He could tell from her tone that her patience with him was wearing thin, but instead of repressing it beneath a pointedly chastising ‘Sir’, he knew she would snap eventually.

“Why?” he asked again, matching her hard tone with one of his own.

“He’s touchy. For fuck’s sake Jack, you talk more than I remember.”

“And you’re way more reckless than I remember.” He countered stiffly, feeling tension begin to radiate from within him from her continued mistrust and bitterness. Did she think she was the only one with demons clawing at her back? Or was she just too selfish and focused on her own guilt to bother seeing that Earth’s destruction had really fucked them all up? If she was ignoring that fact so she could get better, he would be okay with that. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t. She was committing a slow suicide.

No matter how close she was, he still couldn’t reach her. It was as if she was still alone and he was still isolated but surrounded by people at Alpha.

“This is my ship. My rules. Take them or leave.” She said darkly, glaring across at him from where she crouched tensely, as if waiting to lurch into motion at the merest hint of a threat.

“Actually, this ship was the property of the Alpha site until you stole the damn thing.”

“I don’t call it stealing. Those idiot Captains let me take it.”

“Because they feared retribution if they questioned a superior officer.” He argued, knowing that provoking her probably wasn’t the smartest thing he had ever done.

“I’m _not_ superior! Rank and rules mean nothing now. We are just people. I was looking for my place at Alpha, but it wasn’t there.” She said, sounding strained, obviously fighting to control the anger that was billowing inside her, apparent in her eyes.

“It’s out here instead?” he shot back, motioning around them.

“If you don’t like who I am, then...”

“I don’t. You’re a sorry excuse. A pretender.” He stated, staring at her, daring her to fight the truth. She knew that he was right. She was nothing but a husk of the person she’d once been. She gritted her teeth, as if trying to stop herself from reacting to his harsh words. That he hated the person he was seeing here.

“Don’t make me leave you here Jack.” She replied after a moment of silence. She was trying to reign in the temper she couldn’t control.

He stood up and she followed his lead, her hand once again on her gun. He approached anyway, staring her right in the eyes.

“You gonna shoot me Carter?” he asked with a hint of a dare in his voice.

“I’m considering it.” She replied, standing up a little straighter, a scowl tipping her lips. He moved closer still until he was standing toe-to-toe with her, staring at her unflinchingly. She still hadn’t pulled the gun from her thigh holster, and he considered that a small victory.

“What do you want from me?” she asked on a hushed voice as if he was the one that had changed drastically, not her.

“I want nothing from you. I came out here looking for someone...but she obviously doesn’t exist anymore.”

He searched her eyes, but only found blankness. A facade maybe, but, if she wasn’t opening up to him, then there was no point him even being here anymore.

He waited, but she wasn’t showing even a smidgen of emotion. Cold. Calculated. A stranger.

“Goodbye.” He murmured before he turned and shouldered his backpack. He moved to the hatch, pressing the buttons that would open his exit to the cold darkness beyond. Everything seemed just a little bit colder and desolate without the Sam Carter he used to know.

He moved to step outside, pausing in the doorway as she spoke.

“Don’t go.” She said from behind him, her words softly desperate and twinged with sadness.

When he turned his head to look at her, he didn’t find coldness or emptiness, he found yet another Carter. This new Carter was small and lost, her eyes seeped in a sadness that ripped at his heart.

In a word: Vulnerable.

He wasn’t sure what scared him more. The hard-assed artefact smuggler, or this fragile, pale woman who begged him not to walk away.

Neither were his tough Colonel. But maybe this was Sam. Maybe she was the one he was searching for because he knew that the Colonel was probably just as cold and unfeeling as the drunk. The Colonel was probably gone for good. It was too late to save that part of her, but maybe he could still save Sam.

“Why?” he asked, needing more from her. “Give me a reason.”

She hesitated, her eyes down cast, jaw flexing as if she didn’t want to speak the words she was compelled to say.

“You want me to beg you?” she asked softly, still not looking at him.

“No. Damn it, I want...”

“I need you, alright?” she snapped, her brows drawn together in irritation with the fact that she had been forced to admit something she obviously didn’t want to admit. Her eyes flickered up to his for a moment before she looked away again, uncomfortable.

He was caught by the sincerity in those few words. No pretences. No half-truths like the ones they had always hidden behind before. Just...simple truth.

 _‘I need you.’_

Maybe it was the obviousness of her inebriation that made him disregard this uncharacteristic response, or maybe he’d seen enough of a difference in her that his version of her no longer could mould what he believed _was_ characteristic. Either way, he allowed himself to let go of this strangely vulnerable side to this unrelenting drunk.

No matter what the reason for her words, he couldn’t leave. No matter how much he wanted to leave her in this stew of destructive emotions. No matter how unfamiliar she seemed.

Her eyes blanked again, and he realised then that he must have been staring at her a little too avidly. A little too close. Paying too much attention to what she perceived as weakness. Admitting she needed someone.

Despite her vulnerability, she still seemed cold. Not necessarily towards him...but towards life. It could get pretty lonely in space. A ships engine the only sound – a hum that was in no way comforting.

“Sam...” She turned away from him, her shoulders once more tensed.

“Weakness.” She muttered, reaching for a drink once again. He closed the hatch, moving swiftly to her side, stopping the bottle before it reached her lips.

“Don’t.” He implored huskily, his fingers curving around her hand, gentling her fierce hold on the bottle.

“It’s easier...to forget...” she admitted, her eyes downcast, as if looking at him right now would do nothing but break her.

“Hell knows you can probably afford to lose them, but all this is doing is killing brain cells.”

“My brain isn’t of much use now though, is it? I don’t see the issue.”

He felt himself get angry. The bite of it stinging and tightening his chest. He yanked the bottle free and threw it across the room. It went slamming into the wall, ricocheting off into the ring room, skidding across the platform. She followed it with her eyes, as if contemplating going after it. Either that or cataloguing its stopping position.

“Just fucking stop it!” he yelled heatedly, dragging her attention back to him, his raised voice shocking her into actually looking at him for once.

“I swear Carter, you’re trying my damn patience!” he stated with anger, glaring at her, almost wanting her to fight back.

“This is my life!” she yelled, shoving him backwards.

“You’re killing yourself!” He threw back, wondering how far he would have to go before she would snap and hit him again.

“It’s none of your business!”

He pulled his 9mm abruptly from its holster, holding it out to her butt first.

“Why don’t you just get it over and done with, because I would rather see you dead than like this!”

She was shocked by his outburst, her eyes dropping to the cold metal in his hand which he held more steadily than he thought was even possible in his current anger. His whole body was vibrating with it.

They stood there in a sort of stand-off. Silent. Still.

“At least I was going to do it fast. How long am I going to have to wait for you to die? Maybe I should start mourning now. If I had known you were this weak I wouldn’t have bothered coming out here.”

She hit him. The blow rattling his teeth. Blood exploded in his mouth, and he stumbled backwards. He had been expecting it. Hell, he’d even wanted it, not even trying to stop the blow from connecting.

He holstered his weapon, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, feeling the bruise already, the ache there a testament to the fact that she had once been a soldier.

“Bet this has been...coming for years.”

She seemed to deflate, leaning back against the wall, eying him as if expecting retribution for the blow.

“It has.” She dared to say after a moment, her voice soft again.

“I’m sorry this galaxy has screwed you up, Carter. I really am.” He walked into the ring room, past the bottle lying against the wall and into the chamber beyond. The wash room was stark and barren, but it had facilities and water. After washing his mouth out and probing the injury, he moved back out into the ring room, settling against the wall, his pack at his side.

He pulled his faded cap down over his eyes, sighing as he noticed the bottle was no longer in the room...


	5. Chapter 5

He wasn’t sure why she does it, if it’s just because they are alone and she’s drunk, or if he’s just convenient, but he wasn’t sure that he even cared.

Too many years of hidden feelings and halted cravings are behind them, and the sexual tension always simmering beneath the surface burst forth as soon as she pulled him down into the kiss.

It was abrupt and Jack has the suspicion that it was just a way for her to reclaim some of the control she’d lost with her vulnerable confession of needing him.

It worked.

His mind frazzled, and all he could feel or think about was the almost desperate kiss, the touch of her lips –unyielding yet soft- on his, her thin body meshing to his in a way that really shouldn’t have felt so perfect. So right.

He was lost, ignoring the tang of potent alcohol he could taste on her tongue.

He groaned, feeling his body react, his hands, -previously hovering over her shoulders- clasp around her waist, drawing her closer.

Maybe he was drunk from the alcohol she had downed, or maybe the intoxication he felt was more to do with her than anything she had consumed.

He should have been stopping it, but instead he was holding her tighter, just as desperate as she was even though he hadn’t realised it until that moment. He knew that it was probably just merely a way for her to retrieve some of her dignity, but he really couldn’t bring himself to stop what was happening.

Too many years governed by strict rules, ending in the apocalyptic defeat of their world made the time they had wasted seem like it was all for nothing. The half-confessions and pretences they had adhered to made a mockery of by the final destruction of Earth.

 _‘It ends now.’_

That’s what it felt like she was saying.

He twisted her and slammed her into the burnished gold wall of the ring room, taking control, his fierce desire fuelled by her sudden desperation.

She held him to her with tightly balled fists in his jacket, her mouth demanding as she opened hers further, moulding their lips as if she didn’t want to break the kiss.

Maybe its fear of his disappearing, or maybe its embarrassment or just plain old lust...whatever drove her, he wasn’t planning to try to stop it.

They stumble, shifting backwards, clothes removed as best they can as they move as one –locked in a passionate embrace the likes of which he has really never known.

They end up on her pallet, him coming down over her, his hands sure and steady on her bared thighs as he parted them. He broke the kiss, looking down at her fiercely, catching her eyes moments before he slid into her body, the tightness of her fuelling his need.

Blue fire pinned him and he felt like he had entered some dream where the thing he wanted most was right in front of him and yet still unreachable.

There was something missing from her eyes.

He didn’t realise until later, as she pulled her clothes back together, her back to him, that the unnamed thing that had been missing was a depth of emotion.

It hurt to know that he could recognise only lust in her eyes. Nothing more.

He had hoped that this time would be different, but it was clear now that it had probably been colder than the first time.

His heart sank. They weren’t going to ever have contentment or worthwhile release until she forgave herself or at least _wanted_ to do what they were doing. He didn’t want to be just a distraction.

She was punishing herself for having something that she had been denied for so many years while everyone else had lost what they’d had supposedly because of her.

His Carter –the Carter he had known- was gone again. He’d just slept with a stranger. Her only motivation seemingly lust.

In that moment he hated her.

His fury raged out of control as she reached almost desperately for the alcohol. The fact that she reached for the warmth of a drink over the warmth of him only fuelling his anger.

He grabbed her and threw her down, pinning her, blocking her blow as she reacted, trying to get out from under him.

“Why?!” He yelled, his emotions getting the better of him. He slammed her into the floor, taking her breath, glaring down at her.

“Is this all you want?” he demanded, shaking with the anger coursing through his veins. “A fuck? To use me?”

“No!” she yelled back at him, her wrists taut under his hold, fists balled.

“Then what? Trying to be in control so you don’t seem weak? Well guess what, you _are_ weak. It’s pitiful!”

He knew that he had probably gone too far, but in that moment, he really couldn’t bring himself to care. She had pushed him to the limits, lit his fuse then poured oil over it, making it burn faster, until he had nothing left.

“I’m not weak!” she yelled, searching with wild eyes for her weapon. He knew that if he let her go, she would shoot him.

“Yes you are! You reach for a bottle?! Does fucking me disgust you that much? Or is it that you want to pretend that I’m some nobody so you don’t have to feel anything? It’s fear. You’re afraid. Afraid to feel something. The Carter I know is in there somewhere, but I don’t get her. I get this pitiful stranger! If I wanted a stranger, I wouldn’t be here!”

He saw the moment her existence came crashing down on her, saw the moment she realised what she had done. What _they_ had done. She grew rigid with anger, tears welling in her eyes as she fought with everything she had in her to get free.

He didn’t allow it, merely wrapped himself tightly around her to avoid her swinging blows until she fell against him, losing the will to fight, wracking sobs shuddering through her.

And she cried.

He held her silently, allowing her the moment, knowing that she needed the release more than anything else. More than any words he could say.

“My fault. Everything. Earth. You...” she sobbed, her guilt coming out and stabbing into him. He would have done anything in that moment to take the pain away.

“I did this.” She whispered when her sobs slowed, and she gripped onto him like a life-line, her eyes carefully averted so she didn’t have to look at him.

He didn’t try to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, because he knew the way guilt worked. No one could be talked out of feeling it.

“Earth is gone Sam.” He murmured after a moment of silence. “It’s not coming back. We are stuck out in this hell of a galaxy and punishing yourself won’t change that. I don’t know what is drifting around in your head, what with all the alcohol consumption, but I just want you to know...I won’t let you leave me behind.”

He placed his hand over the gun strapped to his side, her eyes following his every movement. Her wide, blood-shot eyes darted up to his, and the fear there made him almost sigh in relief.

She cared. Under all these defences, she sincerely still cared. Not such a stranger after all.

“You wouldn’t.” She whispered, horrified by what he was suggesting. That he would follow her down any path she chose. Even if it was suicide. She knew he was capable of that, and the fact that he had just admitted as much to her should tell her clearly how desperately he needed her beside him to stay above the wreckage threatening to drag him down.

“I would.” He replied with a soft calm, his eyes unflinching on hers. “My life is in your hands. Always.”

She sat up slowly, her eyes dropping from his, the back of her hand swiping across her cheek as she composed herself. He pulled his clothes back together and stood up awkwardly, the silence reigning between them calmer now, not as cold.

“I didn’t come here for this.” He said after a moment, motioning to the messed up bedding. She didn’t respond, and he watched her closely, trying to figure out what was in her head.

She wasn’t as easy to read as he had always thought. Maybe he’d always been wrong. Maybe he’d had a fanciful image of her in his mind that wasn’t any more true than her picture of him. The man he had always seen mirrored in her eyes.

He wondered faintly how she saw him now. If he was just a reminder of what had happened on Earth. A home she felt guilty of failing. Like she had been the one behind the attack.

“Am I a reminder of your supposed failure?” he asked, the question popping out of his mouth before he’d actually fully considered the weight of it in his mind.

She looked at him then with haunting realisation in her eyes, and he wondered if voicing that question had made her aware of the possibility. The torment creasing her gaze as she turned away tore into him.

“Maybe you are. Maybe that’s why I left the Alpha site.” She whispered, standing up, pulling her clothes back together and walking across the room, her back to him once more.

“Maybe it’s time you faced your demons.” He suggested.

“Easier to run from them.”

He couldn’t argue with that. He himself had been running from his past for a long time. Trying to forget. Trying to wipe his slate clean.

“How long are you going to be able to keep running?” he asked, feeling like he was asking himself that as much as he was asking her.

“As long as it takes.”

He realised then how similar they had become. Maybe it was his own fault that she had turned on herself the way she had. Turned everything inwardly until it had started to eat at her from the inside out. Maybe he had taught and influenced her over the years in all the wrong ways.

It was his mess to clean up. He realised that blaming himself for her deterioration would not help her.

“I know it might seem _slightly_ hypocritical, but, if you stop and face them, you won’t have to run from them anymore.”

She gave a humourless laugh before turning back to him, her arms wrapped around her waist, still not looking up at him.

“Everyone has demons Jack. I don’t think that anyone in the history of mankind has had a still moment. There’s always something –even within- that wants to run us down and push us until we give in.”

Her words sink into him, the wisdom –despite its cynical nature- making him pause.

“You think you won’t be strong enough to face them.” He said, more a statement than a question.

“Easier to run.” She repeated, as if that worked to explain. As if that was a good enough excuse to hide away from the issues that had changed her so dramatically.

He guessed that she really had lost faith in her own strength. He couldn’t say he blamed her. There was nothing strong about her besides her stomach.

She was broken, and she had trailed pieces halfway across the galaxy to get away from the reminders.

“If I’m such a reminder, don’t you want to run from me too? You want to run, you want to forget. I understand that. The question is, can you forget while I’m here?” It would be the hard way to stop and fight.

She said nothing, her brow furrowing in what he recognised as agonised thought. She knew the decision she had to make already, the thing was she had to come to terms with it first.

He was sure that was the hardest part about decisions.

After a moment of chewing her bottom lip, she looked him straight in the eyes, the blue in hers much clearer and much more reminiscent of the Carter he used to know, a determined resignation there.

“I guess I was never really the type of person to do things the easy way.” She said firmly, and he knew that maybe he’d broken through her barriers and stepped into her little world, finding the first pieces of her puzzle and putting them together.

It was a start.

He should have come out here a long time ago. She’d needed rescue and he’d almost waited too long. Left it too late. He would always be there to help her fight the battles she couldn’t win on her own.

The hard way was to stop running, and she was going to do it...


	6. Epilogue

They left the cargo ship like a new beginning at dawn, both of them calmer than they had been in a while. They were headed to the meeting, and as they walked, like so many times before, their fingers brushed.

He looked across at her, taking in her profile, seeing a brightness glimmering in her eyes. A brightness he thought he would never see again.

He didn’t feel so much like a ghost anymore, and he knew that they would get through this darkness, because they weren’t alone anymore. She was as much his balance as he was hers.

Maybe one day they would go back to the Alpha site, but not today. Before they could help heal the people there, they had to heal themselves. Some wounds took longer than others to heal. Some wounds couldn’t be fixed with bandages and salves.

She would recover. Not completely, but maybe just enough to start living again. He was here to make sure she made it through the wreckage of guilt and fear that had taken over her mind.

Their eyes met, one side ways glance, and he felt a spark of peace and something _less_ self-destructive rise in his chest...

...Because she smiled.

********************************************************************************************************

Daniel Jackson stood in the dimly lit office, the papers strewn about the room in an order only he understood, staring down at the book in his hands. He gazed at it longingly, missing the author, missing the past.

That was why he was fighting so hard to salvage it, even though he knew that with every passing day, the memories from all those yesterdays were fading from his mind.

He placed the note book carefully down on the table, the equations within making little sense to him. He cared not, his eyes seeing into the past, walking into another office, far away on another planet, burned and decimated by enemies that had been too hard to defeat.

He remembered her smile, her eyes alight as he entered, saying something, the words nothing now, only a garble that he no longer could hear.

She sat with the book open, pen in hand, pausing in her work as her attention was snagged by him.

It would never be finished because of that interruption. The news he had given her that day stealing her smile. They had to leave. She had gathered the book up, the only thing she held. He had known then that it hadn’t been important. Some obscure theory she had to present at one of the scientific lectures she would have been attending at some point.

At first she had kept the book close, like she needed the memory of yesterday to sustain her at Alpha. Her depression had worsened, and the book had ended up with the rubbish.

And that’s where he had found it.

He was disrupted from his thoughts as he caught movement from the doorway.

“Daniel.” Vala began, but he turned away, her words trailing off with yet another of his dismissals.

He placed his hand down on the book, the spot he had chosen oddly clear of clutter, a memory that he would mutely treasure. He wasn’t sure if it would ever mean anything else ever again.

Vala stopped by his side and touched his arm, squeezing as if in comfort. She didn’t say anything else, just placed another object down beside the book. He stared at it, almost awed, like it was some obscure artefact that he had excavated.

Maybe that’s what it would be. An artefact. Something dug up from the past.

Vala left him alone, and he touched the faded red yo-yo, pulling his hand back as if expecting it to burn him. When it didn’t, he picked it up, the thin string unravelling slightly. With a decisive move, he placed it on top of the book that had once belonged to Carter.

He wished that, like the items, the owners had found each other...somewhere out there...

.fin.


End file.
